Darfur Drinking Games

Published March 25, 2009 @ 01:26PM PT

Yesterday's Darfur posts being rather, well, heavy - death, suffering, various horsemen of the apocalypse - thought it might be time for a slight change of pace; or, at the least, time to explore one of the more pressing, if oft-ignored, questions about the crisis.

Namely, how can you turn a humanitarian catastrophe into a drinking game?

I'm so glad you asked. Especially as sometimes there's really nothing left to do but drink. Thankfully, the Sudanese Government - as fun-loving a group of genocidaires as one is liable to find anywhere - provide plenty of opportunities for mirth.

(Especially President Omar "No rape took place in Darfur" Bashir and Humanitarian Affairs Minister Ahmed "I am a living martyr" Haroun - they're such jokers. Except, of course, if you actually live in Darfur. Not so funny then.)

Anyhows, nothing better than gathering a group of friends to play "guess the coming conspiracy theory". The rules, as always, are simple - who can be the first to guess the Sudanese Government's next conspiracy theory for why they had to expel humanitarian agencies from Darfur.

It's not as easy as it might appear, especially as we've already seen "NGOs are spies," as well as behind-the-scenes allegations that NGOs are secretly employing geologists to hunt for uranium and oil.

(Showing, if nothing else, that the Sudanese Government has a touching - if misplaced - impression that aid workers actually studied, much less understand, the hard sciences.)

So, that leaves us with:

- The industrial espionage theory - Sudan is not only known for its cutting edge work when it comes to militia-outsourcing, but also for its marketing prowess. In particular the Sudanese focus on turning displaced persons into satisfied customers.

(Motto: "I would never have received this wonderful plastic tarp from the UN if the Janjaweed hadn't first driven me off my land and killed my family. And, even better, I hear that I might soon receive soap as well.")

Sudan's auto industry is also world-renowned - especially their ability to mount heavy weaponry on Toyota Hilux pickups. (Tho that appears more of a rebel specialty at the moment.)

- The economic crisis theory - With aid budgets shrinking, NGOs were actually working to spread famine and disease in Darfur, in order to justify continued funding. Apparently, taking food from a displaced person is exactly like stealing candy from a baby.

(Actually, perhaps a little too close to the truth. At least when it comes to the importance of Darfur-funding for aid agencies.)

- The boredom theory - Closely related to the above - NGOs grew tired of spreading cholera in Zimbabwe, and so decided to experiment with meningitis in Darfur. You know, just to stay sharp.

- The Eurovision Song Contest Theory - Shocking fact - England hasn't won the Eurovision Song Contest in twelve years. (And really, who can forget "Love Shines A Light".) France hasn't won since 1977, and the Dutch since 1975. Knowing that continued Eurovision failure is a sure recipe for massive social unrest, various European powers have fronted NGOs in Darfur in order to identify and kidnap young Darfuri musicians. At least those who've been able to survive the past six years.

There's a related theory having to do with unscrupulous music agents and American Idol.

The winner of this particular drinking game gets an entire bottle of blackmarket Eritrean gin. Also useful for stripping varnish.

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An Article very relevant here:

Before and Aftermath of NGO Explusion - Darfur & Sri Lanka‏Posted on March 17, 2009 by stopgenocides
Explusion of NGOs from Darfur region by Sudanese government has been the headline story for the last few weeks. UN and Aid agencies fear the humanitarian situation will worsen causing hunger and stavation. In Sri Lanka, all NGOs and UN were were expelled from Tamil areas by Sri Lankan Government since September 2008 and the ban still on. In Darfur, the Explusion order has been issued to 16 prominent NGOs in early March 2009 and will be leaving very soon. Both countries have many similarities in their Human Rights records of treating their own minorities:
Both Ranked as "FAILED STATES" Both are under "GENOCIDE RED ALERT" Both are critized for "WAR CRIMES" by UN
Here are two different reports directly from the ground (Darfur/Sudan and Vanni / Sri Lanka) and one is about the situation expected to happen after the explusion (in Darfur) and and the other is what is actually happening (in Vanni, Sri Lanka ) as a result of Explusion of NGOs. These are reports from well respected personalities - Darfur was from a New York Columnst and Vanni, Sri Lanka was from a Doctor who interacts with the world regularly.

EXPECTED SITUATION IN DARFUR AFTER EXPLUSION:

Two weeks to the Darfur epidemic?
By Nicholas Kristof (Award winning New York Times columnist)
A friend in an aid organization passed on to me these U.N. estimates of the impact of the expulsion of aid workers from Darfur: within a period of less than two weeks 1.1 million people will need food; within a period of less than two weeks 1.2 million people will need water; within a period of less than two weeks 1.5 million people will be without access to health services; within a period of less than two weeks 760,000 people will not have shelter at the beginning of the rainy season; within one week water supplies in most camps will not be operational; within two-three weeks, you may have a widespread diarrhoea epidemic in the camps due to the lack of water and services and potentially unrest in the camps; within one month you are likely to have a mass movement of people from camps without NGOs to camps with NGOs.Pretty sobering.

VANNI, SRI LANKA - ACTUAL SITUATION AFTER EXPLUSION

Urgent Needs of the IDPs in Mullaitivu District (attach two photos sent from there)
Dr.Sathiyamoorthy, Health Services, Vanni
About 81,000 families consisting of about 330,000 persons displaced from Mullaitivu, Kilinochchi, and part of Vavuniya, Mannar and Jaffna Districts are staying in the Safer Zone proclaimed by the Government in the Mullaitivu District.These IDPs live amidst great difficulties. They live under worn out tarpaulin tents. There is a severe shortage of food and medicines. Scarcity of drinking water and sanitation facilities add to the woes of the people.
This situation was worsened by the onslaught of heavy rains and strong winds on 09th and 10th March, 2009. As a result about 50,000 families are directly affected and have nowhere to go. Most of them continue to remain in this flooded area, not conducive for human habitation, under their damaged tarpaulin tents and under the trees. If they continue to stay on they may have to face such disasters in the future as well. Temporary toilets and wells are also damaged.
However, we urgently need at least 50,000 Temporary shelters / Emergency shelters / Tarpaulins and Temporary toilets to be distributed among these poor people.

Interestingly One is situation (Darfur) is portrayed by International Media and Organization as Military atrocities, war crime, occupation and genocide and the other is portrayed as Military victory, War on Terror, Libration of people and "CIVILIAN TRAPPED" (in their own house/land). One has started just 6-7 years ago (Darfur) and other started long 50 years ago.

Sudan is now learning the lessons from Sri Lanka on how to continue its genocidal agenda while the world is watching.
http://stopgenocides.wordpress.com/2009/03/17/before-and-aftermath-of-ngo-explusion-darfur-sri-lanka%e2%80%8f/

Posted by R Mike on 03/25/2009 @ 02:44PM PT
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Michael has worked for NGOs in Afghanistan, across east and central Africa, and Iraq. Prior to going overseas, he worked on a project providing assistance to the United Nations on the application of International Humanitarian Law to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.