E-Cards for Your Favorite Dictator

Published April 22, 2009 @ 03:28PM PT

The following is a joint production of your favorite genocide and humanitarian relief bloggers.

We recently took a break from our normal back-and-forth - Darfur, genocide, Zimbabwe, genocide, a shared love of Live Your Life by TI (featuring Rihanna) - to ponder an equally important question. Why, why is it so difficult to find the perfect greeting card to send to your favorite dictator or despot?

Feeling somewhat let-down by the friendly folks at Hallmark, we decided to take matters into our own hands. Inspired by someecards.com, below are a few sentiments that we think make wonderful dictator greeting cards.

If you have any suggestions - both about other slogans, or the email addresses of various thugs to whom we might send such cards - we'd love to hear.

What to send to your favorite dictator on that special occasion

"Congratulations on dying in office."

"Congratulations on staying in power after completely destroying your own country."

"Way to rig that election!"

"I'm inspired by your callous disregard for human life."

"Here's to hoping you make it through the rainy season without contracting cholera."

"Merry Christmas: May the ghosts of massacres past leave you in peace this year."

"I love the way your thugs dress with such flair."

"I'm touched that you care enough to send your thugs to follow me."

"If I have to be tortured, I'd want to be tortured by you."

"I was disappeared and all I got was this lousy card."

"Way to put the 'Fuck You' in 'unity government.'"

"Power-sharing is for pussies." (I know, I know, but we couldn't resist the alliteration)

"Extra-judicial is extra-special."

"Exile is overrated."

"You're totally hot when you wave your fist."

And, because dictators need to express their feelings as well

"I have sent these militiamen to burn your house down. Don't ever cross me again. :) "

"Please accept my sincere apologies for sending the youth militias to your house at 3am this morning.”

"I accept full responsibility for detaining you on bogus charges and torturing you within an inch of your life, but please understand that I was only fighting the forces of evil sent by the West to destroy me.”

"I torture because I care."

“I send this fruit basket as an offering to make amends for denying the delivery of life-saving HIV medications to your local clinic.”

[Sudanese President Omar Bashir in fine form - Photo from AP / The Washington Times]

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Comments (6)

"We love all ho's of corporate America"

"Thank you for the death squads and sweatshop labor"

"With a little more training, the serial killers in our nation could work in your administration."

"Theocratic torture kings really get me hot. Love, Ann Coulter"

"We going to lend you our lowest spinsters and hysteria pushers: Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. Please provide viagra and cameras."

"Just make sure your natural resources continue to come to our companies. Otherwise, no more Elisabeth Hasselbeck pictures."

"Is it really true that your brain attracts flies and can be used for fertilizer?"

"Our Pentagon has a strap-on missile with your name on it...except this one functions."

"The people closest to you are planning a coup."

"Do your parents still spank you and is it for free?"

"The magic spirits of the universe are going to _ _ _ _ you up while you're trying to sleep."

"The master of the universe is sending back everyone you killed ...and they'll have pitchforks and whips."

"You're going to be on the cover of Mad Magazine next month."

"Are you really Dennis Miller's father?"

Rev. Bookburn - Radio Volta

Posted by Rev Bookburn on 04/22/2009 @ 03:56PM PT
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My favorite is: "The people closest to you are planning a coup"

Posted by Michael Bear on 04/22/2009 @ 05:32PM PT
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Thank you. I think it's my favorite also. It would be rewarding to know that a brutal regime ate itself due to internal fears that we helped create :)

Posted by Rev Bookburn on 04/24/2009 @ 08:37PM PT
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http://www.anonymouspostcard.org/detail.php?recordid=252

Posted by R. U. on 04/23/2009 @ 05:46AM PT
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That one is a pretty great one. For RM:
"Congratulations on ending the cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe! Let's toast the occasion together with a glass of local tap water!"

Posted by R. U. on 04/23/2009 @ 05:48AM PT
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"Roses are red
Violence is blue
I am now dead
But so will you"

"Have you looked over your shoulder today?"

Two-sided (can be used by dictators and victims alike):
"This hurts me more than it hurts you."
"This hurts you more than it hurts me."

Posted by Michael Keizer on 04/23/2009 @ 06:59AM PT
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Author

Michael has worked for NGOs in Afghanistan, across east and central Africa, and Iraq. Prior to going overseas, he worked on a project providing assistance to the United Nations on the application of International Humanitarian Law to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.