Fear Is An Addiction

Published July 30, 2009 @ 09:12AM PT

This was sent in by a friend who frequently travels to very bad places.

Fear is an addiction. For the select few among us - who find odd satisfaction in the looks we get when we tell others what we do - the adrenaline rush that comes from chasing danger to its extreme is, once felt, like a craving that’s impossible to satisfy. You keep looking for your next hit, searching in the world’s dark and dusty corners, places most are trying to escape.

It’s something beyond - even incomparable to - the extreme sports category of thrill-seeking: Sky-diving, bungee-jumping…mere short-term games that have more of an appearance of defying death than actual defiance. Child’s play, compared to what you’re after.

This is about a state of existence, entering a world where the rule of law, of everything-you-know, doesn’t exist. Only the rule of the gun, and the baser of man’s inclinations. It’s like being in a parallel universe, so far from everything you find familiar, where you hang in limbo, not knowing what will happen this minute…or the next.

Nothing is like the first time. All your senses are completely alive - you can feel each strand of hair as it connects to your head, you skin as it wraps around your muscles, your blood as it races through your veins. Your brain goes into overdrive as you process what you see, hear, and feel faster than you ever thought possible. It’s an intensity unmatched by anything and yet you remain completely calm. On the outside, at least. Inside, your heart is racing, and you wonder if anyone can see it pounding in your chest. You almost don’t recognize yourself.

It’s the very definition of exhilaration. You don’t sleep. But you don’t need to.

Nothing is like the first time. You keep hoping, keep looking, for that same intensity - but each successive foray becomes more and more blasé, driving you to accept greater and greater risk in a futile effort to scratch the itch. If you didn’t know better, you’d think you were on sedatives.

So you wait - then a spark of a rumor of danger will cause a ripple to shoot up your spine. But then it’s gone. Others recall harrowing tales of getting caught in the middle of militia-so-and-so and the military-of-whatever-nasty-government, and you find yourself jealous. You go on a tour of the world’s hellholes, but nothing will satisfy your craving.

You lay awake at night wondering why. You are called to this work by passion, and compassion, but you can’t deny that you yearn for the thrill. You imagine what it would be like to be caught in a coup, to be arrested - only if you emerge unscathed, of course, and can nonchalantly recount tales of bravery and heroics to captive audiences back home.

“I survived a rebel attack and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” No biggie, all in a day’s work, in your best trying-not-sound-boastful-while-boasting voice.

What is it that drives us to this edge? Are we crazy, or just the only ones honest enough to admit it? What do all of the stories, and perhaps occasional scars, add up to in the end? A feeling of superiority? Of separation? That we somehow exist apart from the masses of AverageJoe McNormalLifes?

And what does that get us?

And yet here I am, and there you are - running down a path to the unknown, desperately searching for an experience that is extraordinary, to feel alive by playing hide-and-seek with death. Anything to break the boredom.

[Photo from zoriah.com]

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Comments (23)

Veteran war correspondent Chris Hedges' searing 'War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning' is basically a book-length, philosophical-historical-autobiographical exploration of this theme from the perspective of a journalist.

Posted by Transitionl... . on 07/30/2009 @ 12:34PM PT
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Just to add that Hedges' is also very damning of the appeal of fear - it is a destructive addiction.

Having been through some hairy experiences I am very wary of giving 'fear as meaning' credibility or value. Would agree with the comment below - it is amazing how bad things can go and how very quickly.

Am also opposed to the aid worker-hero(ine) stereotype that is being promulgated. It distracts from the much larger sacrifices and bravery of people who live in the countries in which we work. People who risk often not only themselves but also their families and livelihoods.

Posted by Jago Salmon on 08/04/2009 @ 01:03AM PT
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The way I read it, the author seems to be presenting him/herself as an anti-hero -- someone with an unexplainable (and foolish) selfish interest. The "tales of heroics" are really quite superficial, laying claim to some kind of undeserved glory.

Posted by Michelle . on 08/04/2009 @ 06:52PM PT
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I have noticed the "I'm such an anti-hero, so morally conflicted and emotionally complicated" trend. I blame the Emergency Sex trio. I think it's equal parts self-loathing and self-aggrandizement.

Aid workers aren't the only ones guilty of this, though. Economists, journalists and social workers also do this.

Life would be better is everyone just used LOLspeak for everything. Like, "OMG teh milisha wuz in r biz yeshterday, lost sum supplyz. O well. Tym 2 reflekt on mi conflictin emoshuns."

Posted by Transitionl... . on 08/07/2009 @ 11:23AM PT
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I look forward to not working with you in the future where your game of 'hide-and-seek with death' do not endanger the lives of me and my colleagues.

If you do manage to get some sleep, here, cuddle up to my security management plan. It's warm and cosy.

Posted by Kwok Lee on 07/31/2009 @ 01:39AM PT
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Wow! amazing mate, I didn't know there could be people like you. Yeah one or two wanna be's I have met, but you're in a kind of hurry similar to the characters in the movie of "Wanted"

Posted by Sariel Sheol on 07/31/2009 @ 12:01PM PT
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Well, it doesn't have any appeal for me whatsoever. Sane and rational people spend their lives searching for ways to live WITHOUT fear. If fear gets people off, I strongly suggest they obtain some counselling, STAT.

Posted by Jamaka Petzak on 07/31/2009 @ 03:05PM PT
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I'm not sure "they're crazy" is a fair response to this. Yes, sane people try to live without fear, but facing fear head-on by putting oneself in danger --and I'm obviously oversimplifying this idea almost to the point of uselessness-- can be a means to overcoming it. Avoiding things that cause a fear response is very different.

Now, I think that putting oneself in mortal danger for no reason, or worse still, endangering others at the same time, is terrifically stupid.

But that's not what the author of this post was writing about. I know aidworkers who function awkwardly in developed, peacetime societies and around people who have led lives of material plenty and ignorant privilege, insulated even from the idea that they're among humankind's lucky few. People who experience certain kinds of extremes (consentingly or not) cross a kind of threshold that forever separates them emotionally from people who never experience those things --people whose lives skew very far to one end of the spectrum of human experience.

I think this is why many returned aidworkers appear a bit nuts --twitchy, impulsive, brooding, "far away," condescending, aggressive --even after being "back" for years.

And hey, if someone claims to be completely free of addictions, she or he is either not human or lying.

Or a very, very, very devout Buddhist.

Posted by Transitionl... . on 07/31/2009 @ 04:01PM PT
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Sane and rational people also don't usually want to go work in war zones and risk their own lives to help perfect strangers. At least thats what all my family members tell me.

Posted by Sarah Martin on 08/17/2009 @ 11:19PM PT
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Probably your family is right. But not all insane or irrational behaviour is the same. My personal insanities and irrationalities don't endanger others, and I like to think they actually help some people now and then. The author's behaviour does endanger people -- more specifically, his fellow humanitarians, which I am one of. I would rather choose my own poison.

Posted by Michael Keizer on 08/21/2009 @ 08:36PM PT
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To live in fear is a choice. And it's your choice to let it become an addiction. From my understanding humanitarian work is about doing work for the greater good of humanity, helping better the lives of those in need. Maybe I missed the point of this post, yes it obviously takes great courage to travel and work in the most dangerous places in the world, but to put yourself there to chase adrenaline sounds selfish not humanitarian. What good are you sleep deprived, emotionally drained, and searching for that thrill. You are supposed to be setting an example to those you work with and those who don't have the ability to help themselves who need you the most.

Sure it's easy for me to say because I am not in this line of work and have no experience in these types of situations, and my intention is not to discredit the work the writer is doing. However it does sound like he / she is reaching out for some type of help or meaning and forgetting the bigger picture.

Posted by d m on 07/31/2009 @ 03:45PM PT
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Also, people rarely do anything from a single motivation, and few endeavours are ever completely selfish or completely altruistic. We can fiddle with the "ratios" but mixed motivations won't disappear.

Posted by Transitionl... . on 07/31/2009 @ 04:16PM PT
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True except if you are talking about addiction. Addiction muddles everything else. And in this case the addiction to the thrill seems to take over from the work itself, in my perspective.

Posted by d m on 07/31/2009 @ 04:56PM PT
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"You are supposed to be setting an example to those you work with and those who don't have the ability to help themselves who need you the most."

Uh, that's a bit off.... locals are usually better at handling rough stuff, or at least they have more developed coping mechanisms (out of necessity). So, I think the example-setting needs to go in the other direction.

Or we should all be like the British: keep calm, and carry on.

Posted by Transitionl... . on 07/31/2009 @ 04:08PM PT
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Fair enough, but this post isn't about locals, who obviously live in different realities than us. This writer is speaking of thrill seeking in situations where their job is to try to change what's happening in these environments. Shouldn't their top priority be keeping themselves safe and strong to best carry out their work?

Posted by d m on 07/31/2009 @ 04:31PM PT
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I think the author answered your question: "You are called to this work by passion, and compassion, but you can’t deny that you yearn for the thrill. You imagine what it would be like to be caught in a coup, to be arrested - only if you emerge unscathed, of course, and can nonchalantly recount tales of bravery and heroics to captive audiences back home."

Posted by Transitionl... . on 07/31/2009 @ 05:05PM PT
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As a US Soldier who goes many places where there is no Rule of Law, well I say that we break this ‘letter from a friend’ down to the bare bones

Either he is crazy and needs many help or he is a liar, that is telling stories about things he read about in a book. I think he is a liar, I go these places, you sleep you know your self and you Really Really learn to hate bullets, not your own mind you but those nasty fellows across the way trying to kill you, their bullets are just awful.

Flippant but true, this ‘letter from a friend’ is total fabrication.

Posted by David Lewis Smith on 07/31/2009 @ 04:14PM PT
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I've been in some unpleasant places - Afghanistan, Mosul, Iraq, and I have to say that I agree with my friend who wrote the post - I fucking hate bullets, and I hate being scared, but I find that sometimes, from the comfort and safety of the States, I still miss it nonetheless.

Posted by Michael Bear on 08/15/2009 @ 09:21AM PT
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Fear is usually the seed, addiction is the plant that grows from it. What they have in common is enough is never enough. It's the receipe that bakes a terrorist.

Posted by Oceania OZ on 07/31/2009 @ 06:19PM PT
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Like Kwok Lee, I sincerely hope that I will never have to work with the author. I have been through this 'first time', and a couple of subsequent times, and definitely not look forward to any further repeats. But I am looking forward even less to a repeat knowing that it is caused by a colleague who was actively looking for it.

And guess what: I am rarely bored.

Posted by Michael Keizer on 08/02/2009 @ 04:31PM PT
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Maybe "anything to break the boredom" should include a creative writing class. Your friend certainly has a flair for florid prose!

In my experience as a journalist and aid worker on multiple continents, including two or three "very bad places," I have found that most humanitarians are not thrill-seekers but rather low- to mid-level managers and technicians. Their waking nightmares are filled with budgets, logframes, and bills of lading, not heartstopping near-misses and feats of daring-do. The underlying motives and commitments that brought us to these places varied widely and had little to do with either adrenaline or altruism, except in the vaguest terms. I have yet to see an honest, rigorous, self-reflective account of why people do this kind work that doesn't rehash tired conventions and rhetorical commonplaces.

Posted by Adrian McIntyre on 08/03/2009 @ 02:01PM PT
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Normally, Humans have little to fear from most other creatures on earth.

But the OWNERS of People and Property, the rulers of empires and congregations, must teach children hate in order to produce the fear required to turn Humans into cannibals willing to kill and die for flags and stone gods ( ''for god and country'' )

Your owners will promise you ''heaven'' if you your curse creation to ''hell''. ( ''for god and country'' )

The patriotic, obedient soldier will be issued permission to ''marry'' and produce more obedient salves.

Unfortunately, when swords, muskets and bombs decide who lives and who dies, then ONLY the MURDERERS reproduce and Human Evolution is reversed.

Posted by Thomas Panto on 08/04/2009 @ 02:34PM PT
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I think I work in an entire organization made up of people addicted to fear. Except now they have all rationalized it and don't recognize it anymore. They get to headquarters and they chase that need for adrenaline rush with illicit affairs, drinking to oblivion every night, strutting about abusing their power whereever they can. Many of the career humanitarian workers that I know seem more like junkies than mid-level managers or caring humanitarians.

Posted by Sarah Martin on 08/17/2009 @ 11:18PM PT
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Michael has worked for NGOs in Afghanistan, across east and central Africa, and Iraq. Prior to going overseas, he worked on a project providing assistance to the United Nations on the application of International Humanitarian Law to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.