How To Sound Like a Humanitarian Expert in Three Easy Steps

Published October 07, 2009 @ 10:48PM PT

Someone once told me that there's nothing cheaper than expertise. Apparently what she meant was that it's always possible to hire an expert. I understood her words of wisdom somewhat differently -- that whereas real expertise might be a rare commodity, sounding like an expert isn't all that difficult.

To that end, three simple rules for sounding like an expert on the poverty-stricken, war-torn country of your choice:*

1. Memorize the names of various tribes and semi-obscure towns. Ask questions like: "But what do the [insert name of random tribal group] think?" Or "What about the situation in [semi-obscure town]?"

Both of which are best said with a thoughtful expression, verging on concerned. There's nothing like seeming to agree with your interlocutor while subtly pointing out that his or her analysis is rather facile for ignoring said tribe or district.

2. Memorize the date of one significant or semi-significant event in the country's history. Tie all current political and / or military developments back to that date: "You make an interesting point about Liberian politics, but it's all really just an outgrowth of what happened on September 9th, 1990."

Don't deign to explain further; instead, act as tho of course everyone should know what happened in Liberia on September 9th, 1990.

3. Acronyms, acronyms, acronyms. Saying you dislike the Sudanese Government is one thing, but doesn't really separate you from the crowd. Saying you dislike the NCP is better. Extra points if you can work NCP, SPLM, GNU and HAC into one semi-coherent sentence.

*It goes without saying that the appearance of expertise is quite different from, say, actual knowledge.

[Photo from alancleaver_2000's photostream on flickr]

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This reminds me of when I was having a Bell with the VMT at AFEX in Rumbek after January 9 2005 and wondering about the Bor and the Murle...

Posted by Ben Parker on 10/08/2009 @ 05:25AM PT
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Laughing - always good to know how the CPA is playing in Jonglei

Posted by Michael Bear on 10/08/2009 @ 02:02PM PT
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In step #2 you can substitute obscure language and/or obscure cultural trivia for historical/political trivia. "... your idea would probably work, except for the fact that the upland Akah are patrilineal/matrilocal and practice clan endogamy..." or, "... but the real problem with that strategey is that it fails to consider the concept of 'dao duc' as manifest in modern Vietnamese society..."

Then roll your eyes and forever after blow off those sub-humans foolish enough to admit to not knowing what you just said...

Posted by Tales From the Hood on 10/08/2009 @ 02:07PM PT
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Even better if you just make up said cultural trivia - "of course, everyone knows the role that Icelandic sagas have played in Acholi oral tradition. If you actually took the time to long into it, you'd see why your DDR strategy is fundamentally flawed."

Posted by Michael Bear on 10/08/2009 @ 02:18PM PT
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hahaha, awesome post

Posted by Michael A. Weber on 10/09/2009 @ 11:01AM PT
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Say, "I think we need to take a step back for a moment" just when a meeting is getting something done, OR, "I think that this approach might be too much from a Western perspective", no matter what the approach being discussed is. Any use of the word "rubric" is also good.

Posted by Jayne Cravens on 10/10/2009 @ 02:54PM PT
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I prefer to problematize myself. And, I wish I could make a decision, but unfortunately I have to refer this conversation back to headquarters.

Posted by Michael Bear on 10/11/2009 @ 01:07PM PT
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4. Name-drop people you know (or pretend to know) from different UN agencies and INGOs? :)

Posted by Jessan Catre on 10/10/2009 @ 09:54PM PT
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Brilliant

Posted by Michael Bear on 10/11/2009 @ 01:07PM PT
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It was an eye opener for me after reading Mountains beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder, that I was one of those informed but not very proactive liberal "do gooders". I have since become a very involved community volunteer and now can put my money where my mouth is!

If you do want to hone up on your Sudanese acronyms, try reading the Sudan Tribune! The comments are really enlightening.

Posted by Kathy DiPangrazio on 10/22/2009 @ 05:21PM PT
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wonderful

Posted by Caitlyn Nason on 11/02/2009 @ 02:35PM PT
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Author

Michael has worked for NGOs in Afghanistan, across east and central Africa, and Iraq. Prior to going overseas, he worked on a project providing assistance to the United Nations on the application of International Humanitarian Law to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.