Humanitarian Mad Libs

Published June 04, 2009 @ 05:25PM PT

A special Thursday edition of the Wednesday Award for the Worst Places in the World. I've been thinking about past winners (Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Somalia), and coming to realize that there's a certain similarity, a sameness in all tales of humanitarian suffering and woe. In other words, Tolstoy was full of shit.

So, for this week, a special humanitarian mad libs version of the award. Feel free to choose any country which strikes your fancy:

Yet again, bad times in _____ (country). Surprise, surprise. Given that _____ (number between five and ten) previous peace deals have fallen through, perhaps it was naive to assume that the _____ (name of random, medium-sized city in random third-world country) Agreements would hold.

(Then again, UN mediators and peace-building experts need work, too.)

In the meantime, renewed fighting between the _____ (four-letter acronym of rebel / insurgent group - extra point if it's MILF) and government forces threaten to push an already-precarious humanitarian situation over the edge.

In just the past _____ (number between one and four) weeks, as many as _____ (number between 500 and 5,000) civilians have been killed; another _____ (number between 50,000 and 500,000) people have fled their homes.

A UN spokesman has described the situation as a "humanitarian _____ (catastrophe / crisis / disaster / shit-storm)". According to an aid worker with _____ (three or four letter NGO acronym):

"The camps are overwhelmed; the situation is even worse for those caught in the _____ (bush, inaccessible geographic feature, "no fire zone"). We're hearing that people have already started dying of _____ (cholera, hunger, thirst)."

Another aid worker added:

"The _____ (government forces, rebels, government and rebels) are shooting at anyone that tries to flee the area. We're seeing more and more civilians with _____ (gunshot wounds, shrapnel wounds, massive psychological trauma). It's a _____ (bloodbath / massacre / slaughter / shit-storm)."

The government has denied firing on civilians. According to a government spokesman: "These are our people, we are doing everything we can to save them."

Being ever-mindful of their public image, the rebels have also strenuously denied _____ (using civilians as human shields / raping everyone in sight).

Those who have made it to the camps tell a different story. _____ (man's name - preferably African, Asian or Muslim), a _____ (carpenter, farmer, shopkeeper, taxi-driver) from _____ (name of completely insignificant village) reported seeing _____ (number between 5 and 10) bodies lying on the road as he fled.

"They are shooting everyone," he said. "The _____ (government, rebels) killed my _____ (family member) last week. It took us _____ (number between 1 and 5) days to reach the camp. My _____ (family member) is now very ill."

[Generic photo of refugees from www.inshuti.org]

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Comments (6)

This is amazing and hilarious! Respectful and funny human right humor is hard, so bravo for this one!

Posted by Amanda Kloer on 06/04/2009 @ 05:52PM PT
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Before getting my MA in Conflict Transformation, once, a long long time ago (five years this June!), I was an English major. You mean Tolstoy, not Dostoyevsky... ;)

Posted by R. U. on 06/05/2009 @ 06:07PM PT
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Thanks much -- was actually thinking about the Dostoyevsky line about all happy families being alike, and unhappy families being different. Then again, my knowledge of any and all Russian authors would fit comfortably into a thimble. What's the Tolstoy reference?

Posted by Michael Bear on 06/06/2009 @ 04:39AM PT
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Just double-checked, and you're right -- was Tolstoy, and not Dostoyevsky -- embarrasment at HR central, and thanks again for the heads up

Posted by Michael Bear on 06/08/2009 @ 06:15AM PT
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Oh & (as usual) fantastic post.

Posted by R. U. on 06/05/2009 @ 06:09PM PT
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I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It's hilarious and heartbreaking! Appropriate follow-up to watching Three Kings on cable.

Posted by Evin María Eldridge on 06/07/2009 @ 08:11PM PT
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Author

Michael has worked for NGOs in Afghanistan, across east and central Africa, and Iraq. Prior to going overseas, he worked on a project providing assistance to the United Nations on the application of International Humanitarian Law to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.